Baby steps

It is starting to hit me that I'm not in Utah anymore. Everything was all great and dandy until I called my old roommate / cousin / best-friend. We talked about how great life was back in Provo. When he get's hungry, he is back at home in under 15 minutes with a full fridge and an enormous quiet back yard. That's when it hit me. I could have that. I could throw in the towel, pack up my two bags and be back in Provo in under 24 hours. 

I could do that. What if... I really haven't doubted making the decision to come out here yet. But if I could come close to doubting, to the point where I look in the mirror and wish I saw the exact same person, only in Provo. I could do that, but I won't. 

I keep thinking about at talk given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. He said, "Don't panic and retreat. Don't lose your confidence. Don't forget how you once felt. Don't distrust the experience you had. That tenacity is what saved Moses when the adversary confronted him, and it is what will save you." (Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence, 1999)

I have to admit, I have wondered, feared, struggled, and blamed. I don't doubt nor will I ever that I wasn't supposed to come to New York, but I do wonder.

I literally feel like I'm standing on a sidewalk and the only light is coming from behind me. It's peaking through a door that is slightly ajar. In front me is a big black nothing. I can't even see the ground in front of me. I can feel that I'm not supposed to turn back to the door, but to keep moving forward. Because there is no light, I only trust myself to take feverishly small steps. Safe steps. Baby steps.

The interesting thing about Mother's Day

I moved to New York thinking I would spend a lot of time with my Older Brother. One week later and I'm realizing that I actually moved in with his Wife and 18-month-old princess. I spend most of my day watching this young mother raise her little princess.

I don't think it's a good sign that Mother's Day is one of the hardest days of the year. It's funny because us men try to do everything for the mothers/wives and usually fail at over half of it. The mothers/wives then pick up the slack and clean the messes we make.

A few days ago I "helped" my sister-in-law Allison watch her toddler, and another the same age. It was a site ne'er to be forgotten. Two young screaming (for joy) kids running around the apartment grabbing things that ought not to be grabbed, and dropping things that ought not to be dropped. I remember saying to Allison, "I don't know how my mom raised twins." 

Mark Twain said, "My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."

Corey and I made huge messes that caused both mops and pops to spend decades of their time cleaning. I don't know How my Mom raised twins, but I know that she Did. And that is Awesome. 


I love my Mother!

Happy Mother's Day.